New goals...

I know I have been posting a lot about getting healthy and losing weight, but I have to say, I have learned so much about myself and have realized how strong I am.  My goal all along has been to get to my pre-kids weight, a goal which I met a few weeks ago.  I never thought I could do it.  I never have gotten there, close, but never reached it.  I am a goal setting person but not a goal meeting person.  I constantly set myself up for failure but setting goals for myself and then end up lacking the motivation for actually meeting them.  Not just physical goals but mental and spiritual ones as well.   By actually achieving my weight loss goal I've realized that I CAN do the things I put my mind to and it makes me feel STRONG.  So now I have new goals all around and I am excited because I know that not only can I meet them I WILL.  I have decided that I am going to only work on three things at a time.  Three things that will make me a better person all around.  Here are my current three:

PHYSICAL -  Lose another 5 lbs and gain strength and endurance

SPIRITUAL - Finish reading the Book of Mormon...I'm halfway there and ashamed to say, I have never finished, many starts, but never a finish.

TEMPORAL - Stick to a cleaning schedule.  I'm going to need to be good at this when summer comes!  Better get in the habit now : )

My beautiful little girl...

I forgot to put this picture on her birthday post.  It's my favorite one I took that day.  Isn't she so pretty?  I just love her and those blue eyes!

Little miss turns 1...

I can't believe my baby girl is ONE!!  She is such a joy to have in our family and completes us.  The kids just love her to pieces and she's pretty fond of them too.  They all take such good care of her.  She especially loves her sister.  Camden is one of the only people that can get her belly laughing.  She isn't walking yet, but working on it.  She can take a few steps but she prefers crawling and that is fine by me. 

I decided to make her cake this year and it took HOURS.  Now I know why these things are so expensive.  I got the inside of the cake idea from pintrest but came up with my own creation for the outside.  I'm not sure I'm going to make it a habit to make the kids' cakes.  Way too much work, but I did have fun doing it.

 The guts...

She was really interested in what was inside the packages but wasn't super excited about what was in them, until this one came out....

I don't' have a picture of the actual toy but when I tried to take it away from her to get cake she was NOT having it.  I don't think she left this toys side for the rest of the night.

It was a good day and I am so blessed to have this beautiful little girl in my life. 

HaPpY BiRtHdAy Kenzlee!

We love you.

Living room makeover...

About 4 and a half years ago I made Jason paint the living room a dark reddish brown color.  He told me to think about the color for a couple weeks and if I still wanted that color he'd paint the wall in the living room.  I instisted that it was the color I wanted and begged him to do it right then.   He did....I hated it. I hate to admit it but, he's almost always right.  I really wanted a fireplace mantel so I designed what I wanted and bought the stuff to do it and my wonderful husband built it.  I wanted to do it myself but our walls are so crooked and he's such a perfectionist, I turned it over to him.  He did an AWESOME job!!  Here is a before picture.

and after....

I REALLY needed a change and LOVE how it turned out.  The furniture is the couches from our formal living room.  My cute neighbor came over and helped me move it (made me) and I LOVE it.  Jason hasn't seen it with the couches in there and I'm not sure if they will stay, but either way, I'm happy I did it and I love my new room!  Oh and the entertainment center?!?!?!  It was such a PAIN to paint but I'm glad I did it because it looks clean and fresh and goes well in the room.

Choices....

  I just read an article titled "Breastfeeding is NOT always best".  I am so glad I read it!!!  I breastfed my first three kids, with problems.  Kaysia KILLED me.  It wasn't until she was THREE months old that it finally didn't hurt to feed her.  I was SO depressed for so long.  I didn't bond with her for weeks and frankly didn't want much to do with her.  I hate to admit that, and I couldn't understand my feelings at the time.  Now I can look back on it and realize that it wasn't that I didn't love her, it was quite the opposite.  It was because I was experiencing postpartum depression.  With Kyson, I thought things would be different and they were as far as the breastfeeding went.  We did great and I think it was because he was a great eater, he'd get on, eat and be done.  He didn't want to stay there longer than needed which meant super fast healing time for me.  However, I got the depression with him even worse!  This time, it wasn't him.  I was SO IN LOVE with him, I just wanted to take him and run away.  I wanted to run away from Jason, Kaysia and everyone else in my life....once again POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION, it got the best of me!!  Once I snapped out of it, life was perfect.  With Camden I struggled.  Nursing my babies isn't my favorite thing to do in the first few weeks.  I was sad, crying every time he latched on and felt the despair creeping in.  Something I wanted for my baby, but didn't want to do.  Being hormonal and feeling trapped doesn't mix.  Jason gave me a blessing.  I'm not sure what the blessing said but when I woke up in the night to feed him I latched him on and just cried, then I took him off and decided from then on I would bottle feed him.  I made him a bottle and while I fed him I looked into his eyes and snuggled with him and I was HAPPY.   We were actually BONDING.  For the next 24 hours I bottle fed him then I decided it's now or never and went and saw a lactation specialist.  Apparently, I was latching him wrong (yes, after doing twice I guess I still didn't have it right).  When I latched him on it didn't hurt, not a lot anyway.  I decided the the blessing Jason gave me wasn't some magical healing blessing.  It was to make me feel okay about not breastfeeding until I could heal a bit and get some help.   Then comes Kenzlee.  I had had a difficult c-section and still tried to nurse her.  I don't know what she was doing when I tried to feed her but she would seriously latch on then PASS OUT.  The nurses and lactation specialist said they had never seen anything like it.  So I'd take her off and then all of the sudden she'd wake up and act like she was starving so I'd latch her back on and out she'd go.  For those of you who have nursed know that the first few sucks of the latch are the most painful, well that's all it was, over and over and over again!  By the fourth day, while we were getting ready to head home I was nursing her with a nipple shield (it actually helped the pain) I felt a pop and when I pulled her off the entire shield was filled with blood.  This may be too much information for some.  I was DONE.  I cried and decided that I was not going to put myself through this again.  The road to breastfeeding was not looking good, put that with a c-section and three other kids waiting to be taken care of at home was too much for me.  The poor nurse that asked me if she would be bottle fed or breastfed couldn't understand why I answered to question and burst into tears!  Jason was incredibly supportive and told me not to waiver, if that was my choice I needed to be okay with it and stick to it.  I did for the most part, until my milk came in.  I thought I'd give it one last try before I dried up and same old story.  Latch on, drink a bit, pass out come off STARVING.  The crazy thing about my experience with Kenzlee is I experienced no postpartum depression.  Under the worst of circumstances that would depress any mother.  Camden had been diagnosed with RSV and Strep the day we were released from the hospital.  The first part of that was WHO would want to take their newborn baby home to a possible fatal virus lurking around in their home and the second part was my little boy was SO SICK and I couldn't do anything for him.  I couldn't touch him or be on the same level of the house as him.  I was trapped in my room and he was trapped downstairs in the living room (not that he wanted to do anything but lay there).  I was so torn each time I came down stairs and went back into my room I could potentially bring the virus up there and make my baby very sick, but at the same time, I wanted to see how my little boy was doing and be with the rest of the family.  As hard as the situation was, I never felt depressed.  So that brings me back to my point.  Breastfeeding may always be best for baby BUT what about the other half of the equation?  I think that breastfeeding was hard for me both physically and emotionally, so much so that it affected the bonding between me and my baby, drove a wedge into my marriage and my relationship with my then 2 year old and still made me feel sadness and despair the third time around.  For me, I think my postpartum depression was somehow linked to the breastfeeding issue.  I still feel guilty that I didn't breastfeed Kenzlee, but I have to remind myself that she is just as healthy as the other three and our bond is the same and in time we will see if she is just as smart.  I know plenty of kids that have been formula fed and are BRILLIANT, HEALTHY children.  Jason and I were both formula fed babies and we are healthy, no allergies and although some may think it's debatable, we are pretty smart people.  Or for the ones debating....our brains work perfectly ; )   A lot of women out there may judge another for her choice not to breastfeed, what is sad about that is they have no clue of the underlying circumstance that drove that woman to her choice.  Also, how she feels about that choice.  I still have dreams that I am desperately trying to get my milk to come back so I can nurse Kenzlee before it's too late.  I do feel some guilt and now that I have a clearer head I can think of other things I could have continued doing to at least breast AND bottle feed her.  But at the time I made the best decision for both of us and I have to trust my decision that it was for the best.  I hope that any woman out there that is faced with the decision can feel comfortable with her choice and not feel judged by anyone!  The article definitely made me feel better about my decision....a year later.

New attitude = new number....

   This past week I have had a better attitude towards getting healthy and working out.  I ate pretty good all week and added things like sit-ups, lunges and squats to my running.  I didn't work out as hard as I could but definitely harder than I was.  When I stepped on the scale this morning I couldn't believe it.  135!!!  After being stuck at 139 for a few weeks I was totally discouraged.  Four pounds in one week is AWESOME!!  I'll take it and run with it....literally!  I don't really have "before" pictures that I took specifically for my weight loss journey but I ran across this photo from Vegas last July.  Yes I had just had a baby 4 months before, but that isn't a very good excuse to be as big as I was. 

I don't know what my weight was at this point.  If I had to guess, it would be somewhere in the high 150's.

This picture was taken today at 8:00 this morning (that's why I look so tired).  I am excited that I am FINALLY doing it and doing it on my own!!  I have a few new tricks up my sleeve for the coming weeks and hope to loose at least another 5 pounds.  My goal weight at this point is 130.  I'm so close....I CAN DO THIS!!!

2 Men that I LOVE...

Seriously these men are BRILLIANT!  Not only do they have ice cream that is the most AMAZING ice cream ever but they have creative names to boot!  The combinations of ingredients always sound interesting but after a taste they become irresistible.  I've decided to try every flavor I can.....slowly of course.  I haven't tried a flavor yet that I'm not in love with.  Here's the ones that I have tried, two of which was last night....

This one is a classic.  Real strawberries and crust...that's right, actual graham cracker crust that is CRISPY!!  mmmmm!

This one tastes just like creme brulee, complete with the caramelized (crispy) sugar!

I had this one over the holidays and decided that it shouldn't be a "seasonal" flavor.  Like the strawberry cheesecake ice cream this too has the graham cracker crust that I love so much.

Also a classic.  You can never go wrong with cookie dough.  Theirs has BIG chunks too.



This one I tried last night for the first time and YUM.  You have to like peanut butter for this one.  Peanut butter flavored ice cream with peanut butter swirl and some sort of caramel cluster concoction that is crunchy and divine!!

The other flavor I tried that I am newly in love with is this one.  Banana flavored ice cream with marshmallows and once again CRUST.  This one is not graham cracker crust but still has the texture of crust and is oh sooo good!

This next flavor I haven't tried and sounds so interesting and is going to be my next try.  That is in a few weeks as I SLOWLY indulge on the two pints I have in my freezer already.

Here's the description on this one....Vanilla Bean ice cream with a salty caramel swirl and fudge covered potato chip clusters.  You read that right...FUDGE COVERED POTATO CHIP CLUSTERS.  

I'm trying to eat healthier and my reward every night for perfect eating is a few (no more than 10) baby spoonfuls these brilliant men's concoctions!  I better watch out though, I might end up a......

Ha ha ha....actually this is another flavor I'd love to try : )



I am now craving ice cream so I will graciously leave my kitchen with my head held up high and will not indulge until the time is right, that is, the kids in bed (so I don't have to share) and my butt on the couch!