Choices....

  I just read an article titled "Breastfeeding is NOT always best".  I am so glad I read it!!!  I breastfed my first three kids, with problems.  Kaysia KILLED me.  It wasn't until she was THREE months old that it finally didn't hurt to feed her.  I was SO depressed for so long.  I didn't bond with her for weeks and frankly didn't want much to do with her.  I hate to admit that, and I couldn't understand my feelings at the time.  Now I can look back on it and realize that it wasn't that I didn't love her, it was quite the opposite.  It was because I was experiencing postpartum depression.  With Kyson, I thought things would be different and they were as far as the breastfeeding went.  We did great and I think it was because he was a great eater, he'd get on, eat and be done.  He didn't want to stay there longer than needed which meant super fast healing time for me.  However, I got the depression with him even worse!  This time, it wasn't him.  I was SO IN LOVE with him, I just wanted to take him and run away.  I wanted to run away from Jason, Kaysia and everyone else in my life....once again POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION, it got the best of me!!  Once I snapped out of it, life was perfect.  With Camden I struggled.  Nursing my babies isn't my favorite thing to do in the first few weeks.  I was sad, crying every time he latched on and felt the despair creeping in.  Something I wanted for my baby, but didn't want to do.  Being hormonal and feeling trapped doesn't mix.  Jason gave me a blessing.  I'm not sure what the blessing said but when I woke up in the night to feed him I latched him on and just cried, then I took him off and decided from then on I would bottle feed him.  I made him a bottle and while I fed him I looked into his eyes and snuggled with him and I was HAPPY.   We were actually BONDING.  For the next 24 hours I bottle fed him then I decided it's now or never and went and saw a lactation specialist.  Apparently, I was latching him wrong (yes, after doing twice I guess I still didn't have it right).  When I latched him on it didn't hurt, not a lot anyway.  I decided the the blessing Jason gave me wasn't some magical healing blessing.  It was to make me feel okay about not breastfeeding until I could heal a bit and get some help.   Then comes Kenzlee.  I had had a difficult c-section and still tried to nurse her.  I don't know what she was doing when I tried to feed her but she would seriously latch on then PASS OUT.  The nurses and lactation specialist said they had never seen anything like it.  So I'd take her off and then all of the sudden she'd wake up and act like she was starving so I'd latch her back on and out she'd go.  For those of you who have nursed know that the first few sucks of the latch are the most painful, well that's all it was, over and over and over again!  By the fourth day, while we were getting ready to head home I was nursing her with a nipple shield (it actually helped the pain) I felt a pop and when I pulled her off the entire shield was filled with blood.  This may be too much information for some.  I was DONE.  I cried and decided that I was not going to put myself through this again.  The road to breastfeeding was not looking good, put that with a c-section and three other kids waiting to be taken care of at home was too much for me.  The poor nurse that asked me if she would be bottle fed or breastfed couldn't understand why I answered to question and burst into tears!  Jason was incredibly supportive and told me not to waiver, if that was my choice I needed to be okay with it and stick to it.  I did for the most part, until my milk came in.  I thought I'd give it one last try before I dried up and same old story.  Latch on, drink a bit, pass out come off STARVING.  The crazy thing about my experience with Kenzlee is I experienced no postpartum depression.  Under the worst of circumstances that would depress any mother.  Camden had been diagnosed with RSV and Strep the day we were released from the hospital.  The first part of that was WHO would want to take their newborn baby home to a possible fatal virus lurking around in their home and the second part was my little boy was SO SICK and I couldn't do anything for him.  I couldn't touch him or be on the same level of the house as him.  I was trapped in my room and he was trapped downstairs in the living room (not that he wanted to do anything but lay there).  I was so torn each time I came down stairs and went back into my room I could potentially bring the virus up there and make my baby very sick, but at the same time, I wanted to see how my little boy was doing and be with the rest of the family.  As hard as the situation was, I never felt depressed.  So that brings me back to my point.  Breastfeeding may always be best for baby BUT what about the other half of the equation?  I think that breastfeeding was hard for me both physically and emotionally, so much so that it affected the bonding between me and my baby, drove a wedge into my marriage and my relationship with my then 2 year old and still made me feel sadness and despair the third time around.  For me, I think my postpartum depression was somehow linked to the breastfeeding issue.  I still feel guilty that I didn't breastfeed Kenzlee, but I have to remind myself that she is just as healthy as the other three and our bond is the same and in time we will see if she is just as smart.  I know plenty of kids that have been formula fed and are BRILLIANT, HEALTHY children.  Jason and I were both formula fed babies and we are healthy, no allergies and although some may think it's debatable, we are pretty smart people.  Or for the ones debating....our brains work perfectly ; )   A lot of women out there may judge another for her choice not to breastfeed, what is sad about that is they have no clue of the underlying circumstance that drove that woman to her choice.  Also, how she feels about that choice.  I still have dreams that I am desperately trying to get my milk to come back so I can nurse Kenzlee before it's too late.  I do feel some guilt and now that I have a clearer head I can think of other things I could have continued doing to at least breast AND bottle feed her.  But at the time I made the best decision for both of us and I have to trust my decision that it was for the best.  I hope that any woman out there that is faced with the decision can feel comfortable with her choice and not feel judged by anyone!  The article definitely made me feel better about my decision....a year later.